Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Soft places

It's the things I can't explain that have always kept me me going on and on, like those moments when I lose self-consciousness and feel more like an animal than anything else. Explanations are boring, explanations are death, sweeping the crumbs off a table at the end of a meal. You make a home in another person. You look for shoulders to wrap your arms around, a curve of a neck to bury your face into. For every question ever asked there is one answer who is lying there in the morning when you wake up, opening his sleepy eyes. Conversation muddled with sleep deprivation feels like a long embrace that is only interrupted but never ends.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Friday, October 21, 2016


I went away for a week to the west coast of the U.S.A.
D flew over from the east coast to meet me. We met at the San Francisco airport. We both imagined I'd be running up to him but I didn't. I just smiled at him like a fool, the way I do, sometimes.
We spent a night at X's place then all of us went to spend the weekend in a cabin near Lake Tahoe, having meals in the house and being cosy.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016


I haven't used the perfume you gave me because I was sick over the weekend and I didn't want to associate the smell with bad feelings. 

You don't have the slightest clue

About what

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Conversations in bed

It's not about the sleep deprivation, it's about the fucking feelings, man. Those stupid things creep up on you and when you turn around, they're gone. And then you just wonder if they were there at all.

It seems so important now
But you will get over
And when you get over
When you get older
Then you will remember
Why it was so important then

Now it's just another mini movie in your head. You'll put it on sometimes before you go to bed.

I don't know why I like to rhyme
It's just a bloody waste of time

Friday, June 3, 2016


What was it like? At one point it seemed like all we wanted to do was dive headfirst into somebody else's so that we could get our feet caught in the muddy soil. It felt good sinking into the cool mud, then. It was slow but it was also very quick. Measuring time is one thing, feeling it is another. I poured the rest of the wine into the sink. People take up cigarette smoking because it gives you something to do while you wait, or a reason to delay. We don't have to go back inside so soon. I'm just heading out for a little bit. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

present tense

The answer was "no", and for some reason it made her feel like weeping. The reason she felt that way was not so much because immediately, the answer could be construed as betrayal, of the person he was supposed to mean to her. But rather she felt like weeping because "no" revealed something else to her. Of the failure on her part as well as his. The failure to remain as much as possible, the person that they would have spent their lives together being. The person who grew with him, rather than apart from. The person he would have grown with, rather than apart from. It was late, anyway. They were now very separate. And neither felt a strong urge to do anything about it simply because there was nothing to do about it. Time had passed and confirmed this.

She was just lying in bed looking at the ceiling. These were just the thoughts that crossed her mind, as she looked up into the ceiling, with perfectly dry eyes.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Staying in to listen to Radiohead's new album

“为天地立心, 为生民立道, 为去圣继绝学, 为万世开太平 ” - 张载

“To direct one’s heart towards Heaven and Earth, to establish the Way for people, to restore the teachings of past sages, and to build a peaceful world for all future generations.” - Zhang Zai


We were standing at the edge of the carpark looking into the balconies of Golden Mile Complex. We were talking about something else but I was thinking about this. The most important thing I learned recently is that life just goes on and on. Every moment is equally continuous or discrete from the past as the one earlier. Or rather: nothing is safe from the past, nothing is sacred. Wounds heal but still existed, that's true even after the scars disappear. Understanding is so important. Objective truth cannot be empirically accessed. But what about mathematical and logical arguments? If you don't know what you know is true then how do you understand yourself? Much less another person. Some things are too bleak to discuss.

It's been so long since I had a long conversation with someone (x excluded). It was like climbing a step ladder and reaching for a box that's now covered it dust. After I wiped the dust off the lid and opened it, I had to close it very quickly because the box was full of maggots.


There are things I was born to do and it's very clear to me now. Even if it's a small thing, there's a good reason and it was an important choice. I'm only my mother's daughter after all.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

April Ends

All the long conversations with X feel like marking time, drawing lines in the sand and sitting on the beach watching the tide wash them away. Sometimes we hustle and run around and do stupid things and sometimes we just sit around festering in limbo and intertia like pickles in a pickle jar. Getting crunchy.

Saturday, April 23, 2016


Everything is better when x is around. If anybody can understand who I am in the world there is really only her. 

The trip was very good. Slept. Drank milk. Italian restaurants. Hung out with A and family at the most beautiful wedding weekend. Drove around Los Angeles. Ate a block of cheese with Xiu on the plane. Read 2666 and was sorry when I finished it.