Tuesday, April 25, 2017

April Ends

All the long conversations with X feel like marking time, drawing lines in the sand and sitting on the beach watching the tide wash them away. Sometimes we hustle and run around and do stupid things and sometimes we just sit around festering in limbo and intertia like pickles in a pickle jar. Getting crunchy.

Filbert Street

One way to manage my mental health (aside from pathetic attempts at self-medication) is flying into wherever in the world X is and then hiding myself away, alone, knowing that if anything bad happens she is close by. We can go everywhere together and do anything together. I feel more like myself with her than when I'm alone. People who don't have a twin might not understand that we weren't born alone into the world. As far as individual consciousness goes we are as alone as anybody else but in all external experiences we had each other, for most of our lives. 

In the past few years separation has been necessary and beneficial to the both of us. She is still the one person I talk to about everything and anything. We are very dependent on each other that way. Flying to the US twice a year is no issue thankfully as air travel keeps getting more affordable and I deeply enjoy the long haul flights where I can stare out of the window watching hours go by. 

There are places in my head that I visit less and less but they are still there waiting patiently for me. I keep a safe distance away most of the time but once I'm too close that's it... I know that a few days later I will come out the other side okay but when the monsters feed it really takes a lot out of me.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Tempered Glass

Came back from Hong Kong last week. Good to be home. It's a public holiday today and all the markets are closed. Didn't have time to plan much so just took things as they came along and spent time with Papa in the morning and Yi in the afternoon. Talked with Mummy when I got home and that was it, a whole day spent, and I will go to sleep.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Floatation Tank

The idea that there's something wrong with you suggests that there could be a way to be right. But you're just the way you are and nobody cares whether you're fine with it or not. 

You love him very much so everything is okay and everything is good. The rain is falling. The chair I am sitting on has created imprints on the back of my thighs. Some hot tea would be nice, but those cups have gone cold in the last hour. 

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Beng Mealea

Some notes: 

Beng Mealea was built in the 12th century and is one of the few ancient Khmer temples where no restoration work has been carried out. Close to the base of Mount Kulen and far away from the ancient city of Angkor, the temple was used as a fort during periods of conflict in Cambodia. Most recently, members of the Khmer Rouge had used this temple as a hideaway, laying mines in the surrounding forest. The area has only been recently cleared of mines. In its semi-abandoned state, moss and lichen grow freely on piles of collapsed sandstone. Trees, some taller than buildings, have appeared inside and around the structure, roots tightly hugging the remains of the temple. The structure that once took tens of thousands of men to build and carve is now largely destroyed and dangerous to explore on foot. 

We could only navigate around and above it on a creaky wooden boardwalk. The towering trees and monolithic piles of heavy stone sitting amid an ocean of grass and flowering weeds possess a sublime quality, a magnificent and mysterious beauty that tells an epic history of empires that possessed the greatest power to create and destroy. For all of this, what is most breathtaking of all is nature's persistence, an unending love which makes this place and all things beautiful. Visiting Angkor Wat and the other ancient Khmer temples has been intense. I have been continually overwhelmed with wonder and awe, most of all here at Beng Mealea. It was like stepping into another world, entering a portal into mythological pasts. I do not think I will ever see any place or any thing like it again. I will certainly never forget it. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Soft places

It's the things I can't explain that have always kept me me going on and on, like those moments when I lose self-consciousness and feel more like an animal than anything else. Explanations are boring, explanations are death, sweeping the crumbs off a table at the end of a meal. You make a home in another person. You look for shoulders to wrap your arms around, a curve of a neck to bury your face into. For every question ever asked there is one answer who is lying there in the morning when you wake up, opening his sleepy eyes. Conversation muddled with sleep deprivation feels like a long embrace that is frequently interrupted but never ending.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Friday, October 21, 2016


I went away for a week to the west coast of the U.S.A.

D flew over from the east coast to meet me. We met at the San Francisco airport. We both imagined I'd be running up to him but I didn't. I just smiled at him like a fool, the way I do.

We spent a night at X's place then all of us went to spend the weekend in a cabin near Lake Tahoe, having meals in the house and being cosy.